It has been five months since you passed away. And even though it has been four years since we last spoke or saw each other, it feels a bit surreal knowing you are no longer here on this earth. A part of my hopes you knew deep down how much I loved and cared for you. How leaving you was one of the hardest things I had to do, but that I could not bear another second of tears, of name-calling, of broken glass, of flying food, of our pets shaking in fear in the corner, of not knowing who or what I would come home to or wake up next to. I cried for days, weeks, months and years while we were together. You always made fun of me for crying over you and over us until that very last day I said goodbye and I had no more tears left to cry for you. You stood there in the doorway with tears in your own eyes, begging me not go. But, you had already passed away for me long before that. My heart had already been crushed to pieces and I had to save myself. I had nothing left to give, but to run and save myself. So, that’s what I did.
I had always hoped you would find peace, healing, happiness and love. I wanted you to get better and realize that being with me was not where you would find any of those things with the demons and the inner battles you were fighting. I told you long before I left that I was not going to sink in the waters with you. You had to swim on your own and save yourself. I am sad to see that your days and years were limited from that point on and that you never did save yourself, or perhaps tried too late. There was a lot more life left for you to experience. Time with your beautiful children and your friends and family who love you deeply.
I am glad you are no longer hurting from the things that weighed heavily on your heart. I wish you peace and forgive you for the pain that you caused me, the things you have done and said to me. I wish your family well, despite how they’ve treated me long before we split up and then following your death. Your death serves as a reminder that life is too fucking short to be anything but happy. I hope you rest easy knowing that I am grateful for our time together. The love that you did share with me, in the best and worst of times. For giving me the courage to do difficult things despite some of the darkest days of my life. For that, I will always be grateful for you.
Rest easy, J. You are truly free.