Truer words were never more evident for me. I have done a lot of amazing things in my own life, but almost 2 years following the COVID-19 pandemic and the world shutting down and nearing 2 years since the passing of my beloved grandmother, and I find myself sitting here realizing that I have lost a spark I once found and had. Fear, doubt, worry, and a lack of belief in myself have now set in. The version of me I was even 2 years ago seems like a complete stranger to me. The person I see in the mirror these days feels like a stranger or perhaps someone I once used to know for many years and thought I would never see again.

Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.
-Tony Robbins

I am far too smart to continue to be the only thing holding myself back from the things that I want in life. I found that spark and that confidence once before. I can do it again. It’s time to get to work.

5 months.

It has been five months since you passed away. And even though it has been four years since we last spoke or saw each other, it feels a bit surreal knowing you are no longer here on this earth. A part of my hopes you knew deep down how much I loved and cared for you. How leaving you was one of the hardest things I had to do, but that I could not bear another second of tears, of name-calling, of broken glass, of flying food, of our pets shaking in fear in the corner, of not knowing who or what I would come home to or wake up next to. I cried for days, weeks, months and years while we were together. You always made fun of me for crying over you and over us until that very last day I said goodbye and I had no more tears left to cry for you. You stood there in the doorway with tears in your own eyes, begging me not go. But, you had already passed away for me long before that. My heart had already been crushed to pieces and I had to save myself. I had nothing left to give, but to run and save myself. So, that’s what I did.

I had always hoped you would find peace, healing, happiness and love. I wanted you to get better and realize that being with me was not where you would find any of those things with the demons and the inner battles you were fighting. I told you long before I left that I was not going to sink in the waters with you. You had to swim on your own and save yourself. I am sad to see that your days and years were limited from that point on and that you never did save yourself, or perhaps tried too late. There was a lot more life left for you to experience. Time with your beautiful children and your friends and family who love you deeply.

I am glad you are no longer hurting from the things that weighed heavily on your heart. I wish you peace and forgive you for the pain that you caused me, the things you have done and said to me. I wish your family well, despite how they’ve treated me long before we split up and then following your death. Your death serves as a reminder that life is too fucking short to be anything but happy. I hope you rest easy knowing that I am grateful for our time together. The love that you did share with me, in the best and worst of times. For giving me the courage to do difficult things despite some of the darkest days of my life. For that, I will always be grateful for you.

Rest easy, J. You are truly free.


No Longer Waiting for the Pandemic to End

“Is our desire for the end of the pandemic a desire to reestablish not just our day-to-day routines but also to return to all the distraction and noise that allow us not to think about the meaning of life? This is not to say that the pandemic is a good thing, but it’s an opportunity to ask, what if the thing you’re waiting for never arrives? What if instead of waiting, you act or think differently instead of trying to go back to the way things were?”

My dear friend shared this quote from a Yale professor named Shane Vogel from an article in The Atlantic entitled, “What If the Thing You’re Waiting for Never Arrives?”.

It’s such a powerful quote, because I think so many of us are desperately wanting the pandemic to end to go back to lives we once had. We are even grieving a life, routines, friendships, experiences and things we once had. The pandemic has changed a lot of things for everyone.

This quote has got me deep in thought about what this new life is for me and how I’m adjusting to it. How I think so much of my desperation in wanting this pandemic to be over has been that with it comes a return to a life I once had. Things I loved and enjoyed but which certainly kept me busy and constantly on the move without much time to really sit and be with myself. But the truth is, many of the changes that came with the pandemic are now here to stay.
I no longer get to see my bestie in-person each week at my WW meetings. I have not been traveling for work and enjoying trips with my coworker in far away fun places. I no longer regularly get to see my gym wifey and many of our kickboxing friends on a daily basis each day before work. My time with AB has been limited due to job relocation and busy schedules. I also have new commitments to these 2 adorable fur babies I took on and let’s not forget I got into grad school. A LOT OF CHANGE.

It has left me with a lot of time to myself and to work through my shit. Or at least attempt to. And truthfully, the pandemic ending isn’t going to fix or resolve most of those things. At least for the foreseeable future.

So finding a new way of managing and working through this life as it is right now—today. Letting go of the hope and desire to control things and working so hard to get them back to the way they were and avoiding the life left ahead of me.

I cannot wait for the pandemic to end. I must move forward and, for now, I am grateful for my health, a career I love and enjoy, and a new and challenging adventure taking on grad school. And I’ve got so much support from the friends, family and loving partner by my side to help get me through it. 🙏🏼❤😭

You Deserve What You Accept

My last entry was November 2019. To say that a lot has happened since then would be an understatement. I won’t get into all that’s happened here, but what I wanted to share was this. In a recent class I sat in on (also a MAJOR thing that’s changed!), the professor went over and she mentioned this very powerful message that has been really sitting with me ever since.


Too many people live their life blaming everything and everyone for where they’re at. Their parents. Their jobs. Their addictions. Their exes. Their financial situations. Their baby mama/daddies. Their traumas. Their kids. The government. The President. The past President. The past. The pandemic. ALL 👏🏼 OF 👏🏼 IT 👏🏼

It’s all an excuse to live your life miserable, alone, unhappy, bitter, jealous and nowhere near where you are capable of being. Well, I’m here to tell you that if you accept that, then you deserve that kind of life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Look, don’t get me wrong. Life sucks sometimes and bad things happen to great people. But once you realize that you have the power to change your life and live a life worth living, you will take your power back and you will finally be free of this victim cycle.

One of the most powerful quotes I ever had to free myself from being stuck in one of the worst situations of my life was: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

What will you decide to accept for your life?

New Weight Watchers Program #myWW

TODAY IS THE BIG DAY!  WW (formerly Weight Watchers) released its brand new program, which now gives you an option to choose between 3 different programs based on your preferences, lifestyle, and needs.

I had the opportunity to preview the program for a few weeks and have decided that the program for me (for right now) is the Blue Program, which is the same as the WW Freestyle program.

For me, I loved the zero point food options on Freestyle and did not seem to have an issue with the reduction in daily points or overdoing the zero point foods.

My biggest observation between previewing the programs is this: WW works if you work it.


What is your #myWW?  I’d love to hear.  Also, if you’re not sure or you have questions, check out the links below:

💚 Green Program FAQ