Seven Days of Why — DAY #4

7-days-of-why-day-4DAY 4. I’m tired of being a “big girl”. I am 5’11”, so I’ve always been tall. I can remember being the tallest in school (back row, center in all the class photos). And at 5’7″ by 5th grade, I was taller than some of my teachers. I was teased and called “Jolly Green Giant” or “Andre the Giant”. I even reunited with a friend from kindergarten online some 15 years later and when I told him I didn’t go by Kristina in school, but instead was called by my middle name Kimi(ko), he told me “OMG, I remember my mom asking me, ‘Whatever happened to your friend, BIG Kimi?’..” And despite being a straight A student that worked hard for her grades, I remember thinking that all of my friends’ parents must’ve thought I was dumb and held back several grades.

Being called a “big girl” throughout my childhood wasn’t uncommon. It was the norm. I do think it’s impacted my body image for sure and I cringe whenever I hear those words.

Fast forward to my adulthood, I actually am grateful and love my height. It’s certainly helped me hold 120 extra pounds for almost 10 years of my life. But, even though I love my height, I still hate being the “big girl”. I’ve always been taller and heavier than my boyfriends. I’ve got half sisters who have different genes than me, but are much shorter and wear size 0/2. You can’t help but feel like the ugly duckling.

I don’t want that. I want to weigh less than my boyfriend (which I almost did but then that fool went and lost 10lbs as fast as I could down a whole pizza on my own). I don’t want to feel like the big, ugly sister. I don’t want to be Big Kimi.

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